It is safe to say that I have had my fair share of experiences with love and one of the things I have learnt is that every love is different. For a few years I think I was searching too hard, I was in love with the idea of true love. I tried fixing a dead relationship, insistent that it would be okay, but I was only trying to convince myself. I was scared to lose something that was only perfect in my head. When that relationship ended, I gave up searching for love – I decided to spend some time on myself, doing things that made me happy.
They say that if you search for love you won’t find it, it will come to you and that is what happened to me. On the day that I least expected it, at work, sweaty, tired and stressed, my next journey walked into the bar.
When I look back at my past relationships I think I must have been crazy to call that love, because now it is so much different; it is like every emotion is heightened. I wish I could tell you that this love was perfect and smooth, but it is not and never has been. From the moment my eyes locked with his, our lives together have been chaos.
I know what a big love is now and I know how much it hurts when you both have to walk away because we have no choice. But does a big love, like I have, ever end? It doesn’t matter how many people come and go from my life, he always remains and I think he always will. Why? Because this is the biggest of all emotions and the hardest to erase. It is a feeling you have to learn to live with and understand that nothing will ever compare to it.
Sometimes I hope that there is more to our story and sometimes I pray that there is not, because I am scared of how much more I can feel, but what is even scarier is the thought of not ever feeling it again.
Big loves are scary and hard and dangerous, the cause of inspiration for most of my writing, but they are also addictive, fearless and passionate. I wouldn’t trade my emotions for anything else.
“You consume my mind, Even in my darkest times, You lift up my soul, You make me feel whole,
Lift me up and bring me down, Spin me around, every night in my dreams,
Some love is big, some love is true, Some love is real and mine is you,
We don’t all get our prince charming, Is it love if it’s not consuming, If it’s easy it’s not fun, Girl you should run towards the loaded gun,
Some love is big, some love is true, Some love is real and mine you,
Don’t get lost in, a disposable love, Don’t get stuck in, what’s not real, it’s not free, it’s not meant to be,
Some love is big, some love is true, Some love is real and mine is you.” – Aisha B
I am skipping past my second and third love and heading straight to the most true and consuming love I have ever experienced. ‘Affair of The Heart’ is a song I wrote last year. Take a read, before I dive into the lyrics and my story.
‘Let me tell you story, Of two people that were meant to be, But in a different lifetime,
It started magically, but by mistake, And ended tragically cause, He left it too late,
Tied up with another woman, She tried to stay away but, she was only human,
And I bet somewhere she’s thinking of him, Thinking of what, could have been, And I bet somewhere, he’s thinking of her, Thinking of everything they were, Sat in the dark, thinking about, The beautiful affair of the heart,
They talked for hours over coffee, He couldn’t take his eyes off her, They were young, wild, but not so free,
There was fighting and laughing and kissing in the car, This is where they confessed their, Feelings had gone too far,
I bet somewhere she’s thinking of him, Thinking of what, could have been, And I bet somewhere, he’s thinking of her, Thinking of everything they were. Sat in the dark, thinking about, The beautiful affair of the heart,
The time came to decide, Because she gave him a deadline, She had to protect her own heart, But he left her in the dark,
I know sometimes I think of him, I think of what, could have been, And I hope sometimes, you think of me, And think of everything we could have been, Sat in the dark, thinking about, The beautiful affair of our hearts.‘
Have you ever felt a love so deep inside of you that it consumes your every thought? A love that takes over your body and mind, you feel it with every inch of your being? I thought I had been in love before, but I had never felt quite like this. It didn’t matter how many words I tried to use to describe it, it never quite did it justice. Sometimes love, lust and limerence can get a little confused…but I swear I felt all of these combined, in an overwhelming kaleidoscope of emotions.
In my opinion, these lyrics are quite self explanatory, you read about a love affair – three characters. You understand that right from the start, the writer knows that they shouldn’t be together; ‘two people that were meant to be, but in a different lifetime.’ However bad this makes me sound, I knew from the start, there would be an ending and it wouldn’t be a happily ever after. All I will say is that there was nothing normal about any of these relationships, and the term ‘complicated’, didn’t even begin to cover it.
I fell, and I fell fast; this being a part of who I am. I knew it was wrong, I knew I was entering into the most dangerous love I had ever felt, but I couldn’t stay away. It felt so unexplainably right. Magical but a mistake. Without sounding like a crazy person, the feelings I had when I was with him, became like an addiction and I longed for his time.
I was the girl, on the wrong side of an already complicated relationship, it was hard every day, knowing there was someone else, wondering if you really meant anything to them. Maybe I fell so hard because it was wrong, a forbidden love story of my own. Was it attractive to me because I knew it wouldn’t last? Over the last year and a half I have written many songs, describing each feeling I had about this type of love, and I want to share a small section of a book I started (not finished), that questions this forbidden love further.
‘Love is the greatest gift life can give you. It is not something you can buy or fake, it is not fiction. Love is a whole new world of reality. From the moment we enter this world, we are surrounded by the idea of love. Bedtime stories, books and films teach us there is always a prince charming and that love can overcome anything.
Cinderella worked all day in her rags, only to end up with a Prince who was rich and powerful. As a child maybe we don’t see the underlying forbidden love these two characters shared, but now looking back I can see it. That is the kind of forbidden love Ali and Noah share in The Notebook, separated by class. Romeo and Juliet; forbidden by their families. Ennis and Jack in Brokeback Mountain. Baby and Jonny. Rose and Jack. I could go on.So, are we brought up to seek out something that is essentially wrong? Something that challenges beliefs and rules?
What is it about a forbidden love story that we crave so much? There is drama and excitement. These films and stories allow the consumer to experience emotions at their highest, but is that what we really want for ourselves in real life? Everyday life, in the harsh reality we live in, is filled with stress and deadlines from work, pressure and goals for ourselves, financial problems…surely we want our love lives to be drama free. We want love to be comforting, not a tragic mess.’
I switch from third person to first person at the end of the song, directing these words towards a certain love. I know that I still think of him, and i do know, that he still thinks of me. A love that was so overpowering and passionate, dangerous and conflicting, does not fade over time, the scars do not heal, you just learn to cover them up.
I feel lucky, in a way, to have experienced this type of love, to have embraced my emotions and faced them head on. Some people don’t find a love like this, but maybe in a way they are the lucky ones. I may still be young, and I know I still have a lot to learn – but I know nothing will ever compare to those feelings of a fearless love, but who is to say our story is over yet?
To keep up to date on when Affair of The Heart will be released, follow my socials. Aisha B ❤