When to Let Go

It is hard to know when to leave something behind, sometimes it isn’t your choice, sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes you don’t even realise you have said your last goodbye until it is too late. Goodbye is such an everyday word that it sounds meaningless when you say it out loud – but that word holds your release.
Love is a strange thing, it continuously comes and goes from our lives; it can make us happy, or it can break us. When we are young, more often than not, we have to learn to say goodbye – to leave them behind and bring meaning back to that word.

I recently wrote a song about how a part of me knew, when we said goodbye last, it really would be our last. It was an odd feeling, I couldn’t quite pin point the reason why, but now I know.

“So many things left unsaid,
So many thing I regret,
I write a letter in my head, every time I go to bed,
But the words I want to say, never see the light of day,

If I could I’d tell you I love you,
If I could I’d reach out and touch you,
And tell you,
This would be our last goodbye,

So this is the letter, I never wrote you,
Because I was too afraid every word I’d say,
Was gunna come true, and I didn’t want to loose you,
These are the words that I never spoke out loud,
I was terrified of how they sounded,
But why did I wait,
Cause now it’s too late.”

There is still so much that I never got the chance to say to you, but maybe that was because you didn’t want to hear it, or because you didn’t deserve to hear it. Whilst there are things that I regret, meeting you isn’t one of them, because you taught me so much in life – good and bad.

Sometimes you just know that your story has to end, you can drag it on, add as many sequels as you want, but sometimes you just know there is an ending. The best thing about this is when you are the one that knows, you get to write your own ending. I wasn’t sure why I chose then, at that place, at that time and I am still not sure why I never told you that was the end, maybe because we both knew, maybe because I still didn’t want to believe it.
I didn’t know someone else was going to walk into my life, I didn’t think I could feel again after you, but I do. It’s not the same; it’s different and I am learning that change is often a good thing.

Let the waves wash the pain away. Let the waves leave a blank space.

As I walked home that night with tears in my eyes, replaying over and over in my head the silent goodbye we shared, you took a part of me with you. Some things are out of our control, so make sure to use the control we do have over our lives. I knew it would be hard, but I knew it was right, I knew I loved you, but you wouldn’t fight.
I am lucky that I had something so incredible that made saying goodbye so hard, but I am also lucky that I saw everything clearly enough to say it.

Learn from every goodbye in life, learn how to turn them into positive things. Don’t call it a mistake, call it learning. Don’t rush it. You are the most important person. You don’t know who or what might be around the corner. So if you’re ready, say goodbye today, to something you have been holding onto for months, years…let it go so you have room to embrace something better, something or someone that you deserve.

Why We Love Love

Love is something that we as humans are aware of from the day we are born, whether that is because we are loved by our parents or because we long for the love of a lost family.
There are so many different shades of love; love for family, friends, partners, pets, even strangers, but we all know the love that we crave the most.

So what is it that we crave?

Sometimes I wonder if it is the feeling of being wanted and needed that I crave about love, it is an emotion between people that allows the other to feel a sense of purpose. This could be argued to be one of the most fundamental and basic needs of a human – love. I can not speak for everyone and I can only talk about the experiences that I have had with love over my 22 years in the world, but for me there are many things that I crave when it comes to love and relationships.
There is a enticing mystery hidden behind the word ‘love’, it is something unknown, undetermined and continuously new. Take a look at all of your relationships…did you feel the same way for them all? Probably not, because every relationship is different and that is what I call the different shades of love.
When you first meet someone and start talking to them you never know where the relationship might end, you never know how far your feelings might go. We don’t know the future and whilst that is scary, that is just another thing that we crave. Excitement, mystery, fear.

Some people may be searching for love as a distraction from something else, often themselves. Maybe you are looking for someone to love you because you don’t love yourself, maybe you are searching for someone to fill the hole your last relationship left.
It is important to be okay on your own, to know who you are, because if you don’t know who you are then you will only push yourself further away from the truth.
We are naturally inspired by others and follow other peoples hobbies and likes to please them, to have something in common with someone; but ask yourself; is that really you?

Personally I crave love because I am fascinated with the idea of it all. I am terrified of finding the right person, settling down and buying a house together…but that doesn’t mean I don’t want that some day. I love the stories that I can write because of a love that I have shared, I love the inspiration I feel, the drama and chaos that it might bring.
Maybe I am simply in love with the idea of love, maybe I am already in love. Maybe I will never get married and have kids, no one ever knows. It is finding out the unknown that I love.

“To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by the one you love is everything”

Bill Russell

Love After Loss

It is like love is the one thing that we never learn to be truly afraid of. For example, you burn yourself on the stove…it hurts, you learn not to do that again, or you break your leg jumping out of a tree, you probably wouldn’t do that again. But with love, we get our hearts broken over and over. We might not always make the same mistake, but it is the same part of you breaking and we all know that it hurts…a lot. So why do we keep going back?
Hope.
We always say there is someone else better out there, someone that is going to be right for you, treat you better, and to us, that is exciting. It is yet another mystery. The connection and emotions of a true love is overpowering and can change everything in your life.

I have many stories that have come out of my relationships, some I can laugh at now, others I will never speak of and even after everything my heart and head has been through, I still crave the feeling of love.

Why do we love love? Because we are only human and our emotions are the most powerful thing that we own.

That Big Love + Lyrics

It is safe to say that I have had my fair share of experiences with love and one of the things I have learnt is that every love is different.
For a few years I think I was searching too hard, I was in love with the idea of true love. I tried fixing a dead relationship, insistent that it would be okay, but I was only trying to convince myself. I was scared to lose something that was only perfect in my head. When that relationship ended, I gave up searching for love – I decided to spend some time on myself, doing things that made me happy.

They say that if you search for love you won’t find it, it will come to you and that is what happened to me. On the day that I least expected it, at work, sweaty, tired and stressed, my next journey walked into the bar.

When I look back at my past relationships I think I must have been crazy to call that love, because now it is so much different; it is like every emotion is heightened. I wish I could tell you that this love was perfect and smooth, but it is not and never has been. From the moment my eyes locked with his, our lives together have been chaos.

I know what a big love is now and I know how much it hurts when you both have to walk away because we have no choice. But does a big love, like I have, ever end? It doesn’t matter how many people come and go from my life, he always remains and I think he always will. Why? Because this is the biggest of all emotions and the hardest to erase. It is a feeling you have to learn to live with and understand that nothing will ever compare to it.

I write about my encounters with love because nothing is more inspiring than something so raw and true.

Sometimes I hope that there is more to our story and sometimes I pray that there is not, because I am scared of how much more I can feel, but what is even scarier is the thought of not ever feeling it again.

Big loves are scary and hard and dangerous, the cause of inspiration for most of my writing, but they are also addictive, fearless and passionate. I wouldn’t trade my emotions for anything else.

“You consume my mind,
Even in my darkest times,
You lift up my soul,
You make me feel whole,

Lift me up and bring me down,
Spin me around, every night in my dreams,

Some love is big, some love is true,
Some love is real and mine is you,

We don’t all get our prince charming,
Is it love if it’s not consuming,
If it’s easy it’s not fun,
Girl you should run towards the loaded gun,

Some love is big, some love is true,
Some love is real and mine you,

Don’t get lost in, a disposable love,
Don’t get stuck in, what’s not real, it’s not free, it’s not meant to be,

Some love is big, some love is true,
Some love is real and mine is you.”
– Aisha B

Love, Yourself

Dear me,

You once lost yourself, don’t let that happen again. It took you longer than a year to find yourself again and trust me, it wasn’t because you lost him, it was because you found him. You let him into your life and persuaded yourself that that was how you wanted to live, did you really not hear the truth behind your own lies.
You used to lay in bed at night crying, tears falling, because of the life that you chose, because of who you chose. You hated yourself and who you had become – but you never hated him.

When you lost him and he walked out of your life, you felt lost and alone, you were scared and heartbroken. The funny thing is, is that that is seen to be normal; people say it all the time, that when we lose people we lose ourselves. Not true. When you met him you lost yourself. You changed, and only now can you see that. Am I right?

Never forget who you are, no matter how intense your love may be, your love for yourself should always be more consuming. Have time for yourself, have time for your friends, have time for your family, and only then, have time for him.

You used to read a lot, you used to get up on a stage and dance…until you didn’t. Remember what made you happy, write a list of hobbies, people, foods, and make sure that you are true to yourself and keep being you. Don’t let yourself fall into another trap, into a life of someone else, someone unfamiliar.
Know you – Be you – Stay you.

Always have your own back,

Love,
Yourself

Affair of The Heart – Lyrics + Story

I am skipping past my second and third love and heading straight to the most true and consuming love I have ever experienced. ‘Affair of The Heart’ is a song I wrote last year. Take a read, before I dive into the lyrics and my story.

‘Let me tell you story,
Of two people that were meant to be,
But in a different lifetime,

It started magically, but by mistake,
And ended tragically cause,
He left it too late,

Tied up with another woman,
She tried to stay away but, she was only human,

And I bet somewhere she’s thinking of him,
Thinking of what, could have been,
And I bet somewhere, he’s thinking of her,
Thinking of everything they were,
Sat in the dark, thinking about,
The beautiful affair of the heart,

They talked for hours over coffee,
He couldn’t take his eyes off her,
They were young, wild, but not so free,

There was fighting and laughing and kissing in the car,
This is where they confessed their,
Feelings had gone too far,

I bet somewhere she’s thinking of him,
Thinking of what, could have been,
And I bet somewhere, he’s thinking of her,
Thinking of everything they were.
Sat in the dark, thinking about,
The beautiful affair of the heart,

The time came to decide,
Because she gave him a deadline,
She had to protect her own heart,
But he left her in the dark,

I know sometimes I think of him,
I think of what, could have been,
And I hope sometimes, you think of me,
And think of everything we could have been,
Sat in the dark, thinking about,
The beautiful affair of our hearts.

Have you ever felt a love so deep inside of you that it consumes your every thought? A love that takes over your body and mind, you feel it with every inch of your being?
I thought I had been in love before, but I had never felt quite like this. It didn’t matter how many words I tried to use to describe it, it never quite did it justice.
Sometimes love, lust and limerence can get a little confused…but I swear I felt all of these combined, in an overwhelming kaleidoscope of emotions.

In my opinion, these lyrics are quite self explanatory, you read about a love affair – three characters. You understand that right from the start, the writer knows that they shouldn’t be together; ‘two people that were meant to be, but in a different lifetime.’
However bad this makes me sound, I knew from the start, there would be an ending and it wouldn’t be a happily ever after. All I will say is that there was nothing normal about any of these relationships, and the term ‘complicated’, didn’t even begin to cover it.

I fell, and I fell fast; this being a part of who I am. I knew it was wrong, I knew I was entering into the most dangerous love I had ever felt, but I couldn’t stay away. It felt so unexplainably right. Magical but a mistake.
Without sounding like a crazy person, the feelings I had when I was with him, became like an addiction and I longed for his time.

I was the girl, on the wrong side of an already complicated relationship, it was hard every day, knowing there was someone else, wondering if you really meant anything to them.
Maybe I fell so hard because it was wrong, a forbidden love story of my own. Was it attractive to me because I knew it wouldn’t last?
Over the last year and a half I have written many songs, describing each feeling I had about this type of love, and I want to share a small section of a book I started (not finished), that questions this forbidden love further.

Love is the greatest gift life can give you. It is not something you can buy or fake, it is not fiction. Love is a whole new world of reality. From the moment we enter this world, we are surrounded by the idea of love. Bedtime stories, books and films teach us there is always a prince charming and that love can overcome anything.  

Cinderella worked all day in her rags, only to end up with a Prince who was rich and powerful. As a child maybe we don’t see the underlying forbidden love these two characters shared, but now looking back I can see it. That is the kind of forbidden love Ali and Noah share in The Notebook, separated by class. Romeo and Juliet; forbidden by their families. Ennis and Jack in Brokeback Mountain. Baby and Jonny. Rose and Jack. I could go on. So, are we brought up to seek out something that is essentially wrong? Something that challenges beliefs and rules?

What is it about a forbidden love story that we crave so much? There is drama and excitement. These films and stories allow the consumer to experience emotions at their highest, but is that what we really want for ourselves in real life?  
Everyday life, in the harsh reality we live in, is filled with stress and deadlines from work, pressure and goals for ourselves, financial problems…surely we want our love lives to be drama free. We want love to be comforting, not a tragic mess.’

I switch from third person to first person at the end of the song, directing these words towards a certain love. I know that I still think of him, and i do know, that he still thinks of me.
A love that was so overpowering and passionate, dangerous and conflicting, does not fade over time, the scars do not heal, you just learn to cover them up.

I feel lucky, in a way, to have experienced this type of love, to have embraced my emotions and faced them head on. Some people don’t find a love like this, but maybe in a way they are the lucky ones.
I may still be young, and I know I still have a lot to learn – but I know nothing will ever compare to those feelings of a fearless love, but who is to say our story is over yet?

To keep up to date on when Affair of The Heart will be released, follow my socials.
Aisha B



My First Love

My first encounter with love was at the age of fourteen, so really, it was just a crush, but at the time it was a big deal. I was asked out on a date by a guy a little older than me, let’s call him Jake.
He was tall and handsome, long floppy hair hung over his green eyes. He was adventurous and outdoorsy – looking back we really had nothing in common.
So, of course, fourteen year old me, said yes and we went on a date. I was so excited, and had got changed out of about five different outfits before I decided on a pair of light blue jeans and a white top. This was my first ever date and I wanted it to be perfect.
We went to the beach, it was a sunny spring day in England, and we planned to make the most of it.
We sat on a bench up a hill which overlooked the bay, and watched the ocean foam white and come crashing down onto the pebbled shore. There was a light breeze that brushed against our skin, which sent goosebumps running up my bare arms.
Birds swooped in and out of the trees around us, each one singing their own song, yet it still sounded harmonic to my ears. Their melodic tunes were rudely interrupted by the occasional squawk from the seagulls that fought violently down on the shore, for the last of someones sandwich – but it was still peaceful.

Everything was going great.

At the age of fourteen I was a dancer, I hadn’t started my journey into creative writing or music yet, but even then, I was big on romance. I listened to James Blunt and watched every romance film I could at that age. I have always been a dreamer, and in that moment, looking out over the ocean, Jake’s hand in mine, I felt like I was in a movie.
Until a bird crapped on me.

I had seagull poop all down my jeans. I turned red with embarrassment as I frantically thought of how I could make this go away. I was not prepared.
Looking back now, I think it is pretty funny and I would probably react much differently now, but at the time it defiantly scared me.

That relationship didn’t last long, a couple of months maybe. I remember he broke up with me in a park near my house, for some made up reason about how it wasn’t working. I was upset, naturally I thought that this was going to be the love of my life. My first and last. I carried on with my life without him, going to my dance classes and watching films with my Mum. I was okay, and I knew deep down this was probably best for us both, but I still couldn’t hide the pain. My Mum was there for me, telling me I would be okay and there was someone out there who would treat me better. That was harder to believe at fourteen than it is now.

A few weeks after we broke up, I got a text from him. He was waiting outside my house and wanted to talk to me. His bright eyes shone with apologies, and longing – he wanted me back.
Our bodies started to move closer towards each other, sat on the floor of my living room, my heart racing in my chest and my mind spinning a thousand different emotions, questioning my decision to let him back into my life. But my lips never made it to back his.

We drew apart, hearing a loud bang outside, causing my heart to temporarily stop, and a feeling of disappointment washed over me.

My Dad had reversed straight into Jake’s motorbike on the driveway.

To this day, there is still a turquoise mark on the back of my Dad’s Mondeo. My Dad insists it was an accident, but that smile on his face suggests otherwise.

I experienced my first crush at the age of fourteen, but my first love, (other than my cat, Ziggy) was my parents, who have always been looking out for me and always will.

When meeting someone new, and falling in love, it is important to remember who was there for you before that person. Don’t loose sight of your true friends, more often than not they will stick around for longer than your love interest anyway. Having someone consume your mind and body can be an electric feeling it is addictive, but remember who you are. Learn to ground yourself and prioritise not only yourself, but your family and friends too. And if your love interest doesn’t understand…ditch them. It’s not worth loosing everyone around and yourself.

Now when I see that turquoise mark on my Dad’s car, I just laugh.

What is Love?

What is this ‘love’ everyone seems to be looking for?
I have spent many years writing about the encounters I have had with ‘love’, they have been amazing, heartbreaking, and out of everything, enlightening.
I recently finished writing my first romance novel, and it starts with something like this;

“Love comes in different shapes and sizes, different emotions, different colours. It is said that there are three loves in each person’s life, starting with your first love. As you grow older you may question whether this was really true love, but you must remember that at the time that was all you knew. Next comes the hard love, the heartbreaker, the one that you will never forget and the scars will always remain. If you’re unlucky, life might throw you a few of these, but there will always be that first scar.   

Finally, there is the third love. This is said to be the love that we don’t see coming, a refreshing surprise. It is said to be a love that lasts and reminds us of who we really are and what we deserve. This love is said to be easy and right, like putting the missing piece into a puzzle. I wouldn’t know, I haven’t got to this love yet…I don’t think. 
This is my story.

I continue on to tell my story…although I still don’t know how it ends in real life.
‘Love’ has become such an everyday word that the meaning of it seems to have been lost somewhere over the years. The only way I can understand it now, is that there are different types of love, and different stages.

I am the kind of girl that will fall flat on her face in ‘love’, sometimes within minutes of meeting someone. I will give my heart and soul over to that person, and trust them with my emotions. I can’t say that this has worked in my favour thus far, but maybe one day it will. One thing I have gained, from simply being who I am, is a lot of stories.
If you know me, then you know that drama and romance, seem to combine into one thing in my life, but it is these things that have turned me into a writer and I want to share my experiences with you all.
Love is something far more complicated than we can comprehend, it is not easy and it will never be simple. Every single person in this world will have different definitions of what they think ‘love’ is, no one is right and no one is wrong. Who knows what love is? What I do know is that it doesn’t work like a fairytale, maybe there will be moments where you feel like you’re in a movie scene with Allie and Noah (from The Notebook), but this is reality and real life.

I hope to share some insights into my books and my lyric writing over the next few months. A deeper insight into my life and the stories behind the words I write down.
Maybe some people can learn from my mistakes, but you will all probably make your own.

What is Love? – …let me know when you figure it out!